I'm so over the idea that what makes a person attractive is the size of their body and the symmetry of their face. I think what makes a person attractive is their character. And I think beauty goals should focus on toxic habits that make you less attractive inside instead of outside. Because when you're in the grave turning to dust, people aren't going to remember your pant size. They're going to remember they way you made them feel and the good times you had together.
I mean, am I the only one who gets so angry that the number of fat cells in my dynamite ass is somehow representative of my worth? That elementary school girls are putting their magic aside and starving themselves to feel good enough? Excuse my language, but f*ck that noise. It's time to evolve. To curate (or not curate) our appearances if we want to, then call it a day and get on with the act of being a complex and powerful human.
So this list of beauty tips is going to be a little bit different. It's going to focus on things that affect your inner beauty. Because no matter how much you want to celebrate your outer beauty (which is totally fine, don't get me wrong) it's about time we put the same level of importance on what kind of people we're thriving to be (besides conventionally hot ones).
If I had three feminist wishes, I'd use the third one to make being snarky and judgmental uncool. I don't know why judging other people on their shoes, hair, nails, clothes, etc, is so funny and satisfying, but I do know that it does more harm than good. We've all done it. Even if just in our heads. And it's the kind of thing that contributes so much toxic energy to the world. Try to be mindful today of all the times you look at a person and immediately make some kind of judgement about their appearance. You might surprise yourself. Train your mind instead to look at people and see that we're all connected, and we're all just doing the best we can. Don't be a part of the snark culture that just tears others down.
2. Suppressing Your Talents
When I was a little girl, I took baton lessons. I loved it, and I was good at it. But I quit right before all of our big events and I never bothered trying out for my school's majorette squad. Why? The uniform. It was a bathing suit-looking thing and I thought I was too big for it. I always regretted that. And if I'm being honest, it's just one of many things I wanted to do but didn't because I thought I was too fat to be one of the cool kids who did cool things. This didn't make me smart. It made me a coward with a bunch of unfulfilled desires and un-reached goals. Never suppress your talents or avoid activities you want to do because you're concerned about how you look.
3. Not Handling Your Scandal
If your childhood sucked, or you experienced some kind of trauma, I'm so sorry, and that's not your fault. But there comes a time when you have to take responsibility for your own issues and your own happiness (if you're able to do so). If you know you have issues to deal with and problems that need addressed, you should do what you can to own and deal with them (again, if you're able to do so). Especially if your issues cause you to make messes of other people's lives. There's no shame in needing and asking for help. There's only so long your trauma can be an excuse for your behavior. (Exceptions apply, of course. Mental illness is a hell of a thing.)
4. Being Mean To Animals
Maybe it's just me, but there's nothing more unattractive in all of the world than a person who is mean to animals. Don't be mean to animals. I feel like I shouldn't have to say this, but I'm going to say it anyway. If you don't like animals, avoid them. Once a friend came to my house and was like "Ew get off of me!" to my dog and that person never came over my house ever again.
5. Being Flaky
Having a flaky friend is annoying in a way you can't put your finger on. It's because when someone is unreliable, it's more than annoying. It negatively impacts the trust you have in them. Trust is an important part of all healthy relationships. If you're that flaky friend, people are going to stop trusting that they can rely on you to do what you say you'll do and be where you say you'll be. This will also impact the things they feel comfortable telling you and so on. If you can't or don't want to do something, it's best to just be up front about it when you can.
6. Putting Up Walls
If you're a person who doesn't trust anyone, or who never gets close to people, you're missing out on some of the beauty of close, intimate relationships and real, deep love. You could be pushing your family and friends away instead of just keeping them at a distance. If this is something you know you do, you need to get help from a counselor or therapist to understand your behavior and learn how to change it. You can't be walled off from the world forever and expect to be happy and fulfilled.
7. Hanging Out With The Wrong Crowd
Hanging out with the wrong crowd isn't just a trope from after-school movies and sitcoms. The people you hang out with have a profound influence on who you are. Motivational speaker Jim Rohn is famous for saying, "you are the average of the five people you spend the most time with." We all have those questionable ride-or-dies from back in the day that we can't ever cut out of our lives, but for the most part, you need to hang out with people who challenge and inspire you, not drag you down.
8. Deciding What's Best For Others
We all think we know what's best for others, and we all have opinions about how other people should be living their lives. But we're not those people. So next time you have the urge to gossip about how so-and-so needs to go back to school or stop having kids or get a different job, instead remind yourself that their journey is not really any of your business and their choices are theirs. If you're really concerned, have a talk with this person. Don't just be a mouthpiece of negativity.
9. Doing Nothing
You can't always stand up for what's right, but when you can, you should. If you never call the people you love out on racist comments, sexist jokes, snarking, and general unkindness, you're not really doing your feminist and human duty of helping to make the world a better place. I'm not saying you should ruin your cousin's wedding because her dad is a racist jerk (you probably wouldn't change him in one convo anyway), but I am saying that you can't be the person who just gives everyone a pass. We should all help make each other better in positive ways.
10. Losing Your Identity In A Relationship
I've been writing about, and seeing, this a lot lately. You're you and your partner is your partner. You are two individuals with your own interests, goals, friends, and opinions. You should still be those individuals when you get in a relationship. Sure, dating someone changes you. You might learn you share some of their interests and opinions. But you can't be that person who lives only for your relationship, and has nothing for themselves.
11. Hating Others Who Are Different
It's election season. There are a couple of high-profile rape cases in the media. We're a nation at war over transgender people using certain bathrooms. And it's a common practice of people on all sides to hate on anyone with a differing opinion. But guess what? You don't have to hate. You can converse like mature adults who want to form a better understanding of their fellow humans and possibly learn from each other. We need less prison rules and more kindergarten rules in our discourse. Just saying.
Get the negative aspects of your personality in check, and you'll radiate beauty from your soul. That's a kind of beauty that won't face with age.
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